EXTRACTS FROM THE BOOK...
The worst kind of customer was the type who yelled every few seconds something like 'More rashers, Fernando!' or 'Where's the tomato sauce?' ' There was a time in a certain Dublin pizzeria I was working in where the customer actually tied the tablecloth around his neck and had the brass neck to say: 'You wouldn't charge Superman for dinner, would ye?'. I also remember one marathon six-hour business lunch in Cavan, after which I got a miserly £2 pound tip. And as I was walking by one of the customers to the kitchen afterwards, I actually heard him say in a loud voice: 'I bet she's about to do a gob in the fish stew!'. Would you believe it!"

Another time, shortly after "Jurassic Park" became a big in the multiplex, a young student customer tried my patience after betting with his friends that waiters and waitresses never admitted that they didn't have something. "They'll take your order for the sun, moon and stars and go away as if they mean to get it - then they'll come back and say they just ran out." To prove his point, he called me over: "I'll have a double order of dinosaur, please." Thinking on my feet, I immediately replied: "No problem sir. And how would you like it?" "Well done!" I went off to the kitchen and returned just moments later. "I'm sorry, sir, but we've just run out of dinosaur." "What?" said the diner with feigned disappointment. "No bloody dinosaur?" I lowered my voice: "Well, we do have some left," I said confidentially - "but it's not very fresh and I won't serve it!" That put paid to the cheeky little fecker.

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LOCAL CHARACTERS!
An entire section of the book is devoted to my dealings with well-known local "character" Robert Ruby O'Shea. One time he ordered the Bistro's "breakfast special" - which was two eggs, rashers, black pudding, tea and toast for £2.50. "That sounds grand," Ruby said, "but I don't fancy the eggs." I warned him in no uncertain terms that she would have to charge him £3.50 because he was ordering "Al La Carte'. "You mean I'd have to pay an extra pound for NOT taking the eggs?" Ruby asked incredulously. "I'll take the breakfast special, so." "How would you like your eggs?" I asked him. "Raw and in the shell," was his witty retort. He took the two eggs home!